Learning to surrender has been a process. Scripture encourages us to surrender and give our will to God. Oftentimes, physically doing this feels like giving up and losing hope. Surrender feels like it condones failure; it can feel like the fight has been lost and gone towards a hopeless cause. However, in the Christ-centered perspective, surrender is to let go of one’s own control and give into God’s will and control. It is a different kind of surrender.
One of my favorite worship songs is “I Surrender” by Jesus Culture. There used to be a season in my life, when this song was practically on repeat. In this season, my theme was as follows:
All to you, I surrender
Everything, every part of me
All to you, I surrender
All of my dreams, all of me
I surrender
This season was not particularly a rough one. It was a simple season, no major issues or worries. My life was pretty calm and though I struggled with the stresses of grad school and internships, I was overall content with my life. I had big dreams for my future, but I knew it was safe, having surrendered it to God. It was this sense of assurance that all is well and all would go on to be well. In fact, it is so easy to "surrender" when everything goes your way. The challenge is to maintain that surrender through the roughest of seasons.
Following grad school, however, amidst a season of celebration and excitement, it all came crashing down. That assurance somehow escaped me. Struggles in my health and other areas of my life physically overwhelmed me. I felt like the enemy had more of a hold on my life than God. Though that was obviously not the case, it just seemed that way. I would have panic attacks constantly. To make matters worse, they would take place at the least inconvenient times. I tried talking to people about it, but nobody realized how much I was suffering because it did not make sense to them. When nobody seemed to understand, I decided to stay silent. So literally for about two years, I just silently underwent this chaos in my mind. Fear gripped me in a way that I could not quite describe.
There was nothing more that I desired than to crawl up into a cave than to be seen in public. People had their opinions, comments, and questions. They would ask what had happened to me, that I used to be a confident person and how come I have become the way that I am… I wished to respond, but realized that I did not owe anyone an explanation. Either way, their responses would often make matters worse, as it was not helping me in any way.
Looking back, He has still been faithful, still blesses, and still encourages. Yet, my surrender seems to be lacking. I don’t know if it is just me, but when things are not going my way, I sometimes wish I could get back in the driver’s seat. Nevertheless, I am reminded to stay calm, stay collected, knowing that my assurance is in Him regardless of my circumstances. My surrender should not depend on the circumstances in my life, the bumps that come up on the road, but rather the fact that He is my security. Reflecting on this new season I have been in, a season of conquering the fear, a season of praising despite my shortcomings, and a season of carrying out the dream He has placed inside of me. This season calls for a new song, a new theme, a new surrender.
This weekend, I contemplated all this mess in my mind, hoping for a response from heaven. Sunday morning, I woke up with a song playing in my head. Has that ever happened to y’all? It was on repeat as I got ready for church, on the way to church, on the way back, and practically all week. It was the reminder that I needed. A reminder that God sees (you and) me, despite the struggles and despite the circumstances. The way God saw Nathaniel under the fig tree, when he was hopeless and distraught, on the verge of giving up.
“Million Little Miracles” by Maverick City Music
All my life I've been carried by grace
Don't ask me how 'cause I can't explain
It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here
I've got some blessings that I don't deserve
I've got some scars but that's how you learn
It's nothing short of a miracle I'm here
I think it over and it doesn't add up
I know it comes from above
I've got miracles on miracles, a million little miracles, yeah
Miracles on miracles, count your miracles
One, two, three, four, I can't even count 'em all
This song just reminded me to let go again, in a whole new way. To go back to surrendering to Him in a way that gives Him full access to my life unlike ever before. Though it is not like I have given up on the will of God consciously, it is possible that life sometimes derails us from the purpose and will of God when we are not aware of it. It reminded me of the Israelites, whose promises were fulfilled, yet they complained their way out of the promise and had to detour their way back into the promised land. Maybe this struggle was for a detour, but God’s will is never to deny the purpose and promises He has for us. In the same way, though life’s current situations have been less than ideal, I know that I have been the recipient of unmerited favor, mercy, and grace.
In conclusion, the will of God does not guarantee that life would be a smooth ride, full of happy-go-lucky moments and outcomes. In fact, Scripture guarantees us some difficulties and trials, though it also guarantees that the situations will never drown us. When God is in control, it gives us the opportunity to persevere, be encouraged, and have the grace to endure it. Sometimes, that looks like surrender, a time of embracing the season, growing from it, and moving beyond it. Our humanness rarely invites us to embrace this season, but urges us to move past it. However, when some difficult seasons are allowed by God, we are to consider what purpose is to be fulfilled through it and hope to receive all that it has to teach us. Though this is physically hard to do, surrender comes into play here in order for us to accomplish this divine purpose.