Comparison

My fiancé and I were planning our wedding while taking me from hospital to hospital, appointment to appointment, and doctor's office to another doctor's office day after day, week after week. I was not feeling well, got bloodwork done 2-3 times a week, and on treatment. It was a really tough season.

Wedding planning was happening behind the scenes and we were dealing with my health issues first and foremost. While other couples were getting how-to lessons in premarital counseling, our pastor was reminding us that we were not to get into the comparison game in our current situation. Our situation was not like everyone else’s. Every time I look back now, I am super grateful for that piece of advice. I have now been married for a year and a half and I am so glad I did not go down the comparison trap. This is a dangerous one! Our marriage has not been like the others. My health issues have been ongoing, and nothing that premarital counseling could have taught us would have prepared us for what we have had to endure.

Premarital Counseling did not teach me how to navigate marriage. It certainly did not teach me how to do life as a not-so-single individual. It did teach me one important lesson, however. We know now that comparison is never the answer. It is a scheme of the devil trying to derail our focus. When we have our eyes fixed on Christ, our eyes would not wander off to the others' way of life. In addition, it definitely would not be the point of interest that would make us turn our eyes away from God's will for us. Not only is comparison not the answer, it is not the end-goal. I do not want to have to go through life and had it be a replica of just another person's story. My life is my destiny, my marriage is our story, it is meant to portray God's wonders through it, not be a screenplay of a rom-com with some whimsical plot-twist. 

My husband has been my pillar of strength throughout this journey. He gives me hope when I have none. He cheers me up when I feel like a complete mess. He brings joy in the midst of complete despair. He reminds me of my promises when my doctors stare at me blankly. We have been through quite a lot together, but we refuse to go down the comparison lane. You see, if I were to go down that road, I have a lot to complain about. I have wondered why God would provide my best friend as my husband by my side just to let me experience pain and suffering with health issues (when I wasn't even sick before meeting my fiancé). I feel like because of me, my husband is suffering, too. I personally do not think it is fair to either one of us. At the end of the day, God knew that I needed him in my life to push me forward. God knew what was coming ahead of me, and provided me the person to help me along toward my destiny. So here I am, still dealing with health issues, holding onto my promises, expecting it and envisioning it on the horizon. To Paul, God said, “My grace is sufficient for you.” This is really not the answer we as believers want to hear. I mean, imagine you as Paul, faithful follower of Christ, and God decided to give you grace instead of healing? Yikes! Am I right? But at the end of the day, grace > healing. Grace grows you deep into Him, while healing can be forgotten!

When we complain, “What about me, God?” “Have you forgotten about me?” “God, everybody else’s lives seem to be moving forward except mine…” we are actually comparing our lives to those around us. The response may be that His grace is sufficient for us. But is this response sufficient? Are we willing to fight and believe past our disappointments? Has He ever actually let us down in the past? Will we remain faithful to the very end? Will our patience wear thin? As I threw myself a little pity party the other day, just overwhelmed with the doctors’ suggestions and pressed with the decisions to be made, I just pondered these thoughts with God. He then reassured me about every miracle He has done for me in the past. Every time the enemy thought he had me defeated, the Lord turned it around for my good. I love the story of Moses. A mandate to kill all the newborns was given to the Jews. Moses was floated away to escape death and landed in the Pharaoh's house, raised in the palace as royalty, and trained there to serve against the plan of the enemy - God chose and used him to free the Israelites and take them to the promised land! 

In hindsight, these things make much clearer sense than they do during the seasons of struggle. Moses, I am sure, had a lot of questions during his upbringing. He might have compared himself to those around him, feeling forgotten. Yet, the grace of God carried him to carry out his destiny, which is more powerful than getting his prayers answered instantaneously. I am reminded of Romans 8:28 – what the enemy intends for harm, the Lord works together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose. Amen! Our God is a Faithful Father, which means He is good even when we are not the most faithful. He allows certain things to take place in our lives, because he is invested in us. He is our hope and firm foundation – the only One who will never let us down!